This has been a long time coming but sometimes been open is hard for me. I know you’re probably thinking but you share your life on line brooke why is a Life Update so hard? Well I only choose to show you aspects of my life and they are the ones that I select. I have always been open about my Mental Health struggles and the journey I have been on these past several years but recently I have been shielding an aspect of my mental health and I want to start opening up about that.
This picture doesn’t have a whole lot to do with this post other than the fact that I find it extremely calming to take picture of plants and nature so I thought it fit with the idea of trying to calm my anxiety? So, enjoy another plant related picture very soon in this post! You’re welcome!
I have recently been in a dark place. I place a lot of pressure on myself to be my best at university, blogging, doing youtube, having a weekly newsletter, that I often forget how much pressure I am putting on myself. When everything becomes a bit too much I find myself often in a place I don’t want to be.
Even the most mundane tasks I struggle with such as brushing my teeth, showering or taking care of myself. It’s as if I don’t see a reason why I need to eat balanced meals or look after myself. It’s taken me for my younger sister to sit me down and give me a proper chat to realise that I need to look after myself more because without doing that I’m no going to achieve them big dreams and goals that I have! (I had that moment of realisation sh*t my younger sister is telling me I need to pull my life together so I probably need to!)
100% I am guilty of comparing myself to everyone. Not only is this unhealthy but unnecessary. I’ve started to remind myself that life isn’t a competition or a race, I’m in my own race, on my own and their is no competition. What may be right for me might not be for someone else. It has took me a while to realise this as I often compare my life, looks, blog and YouTube to others. But, at the end of the day they aren’t me! I’m a unique individual living my own life. To solve this issue I have started de-cluttering my social media and unfollowing anyone who I think has a negative impact on my well-being.
Unfortunately, my mental health journey is one that I may be on for the rest of my life. But, I’m starting to change that unfortunately into a learning development. Without my panic attacks I don’t think I would be as aware of the world around me as I am. I have recently experienced some of the worst panic attacks of my life. To the point where I struggled to breathe, felt faint and empty. But, thanks to my families support and boyfriend I’ve learnt techniques to help me during these times.
There isn’t a cure for my attacks but there are ways to cope with them and make them more bearable for me. I love to use breathing techniques taking a deep breath in for five seconds then, out for five seconds. Whilst doing this I also like to sit on the floor so that my feet and hands are touching the floor. I also like to ground myself by touching the floor I feel supported, safe and then I start to think about the environment around me, where am I? What can I smell, feel, taste and see. This helps me to focus on something else and reassure myself that I am safe!
Time for myself
The past week I have taken myself back to my parents house for quite a few nights to work on myself. I felt like my mental health had got to the point where I needed time for myself to deal with it. I took myself away from the city of my university to focus on me, my feelings and my mental health. Away from any distractions as I’m good at procrastinating! This time away did me the world of good. I had to face my feelings, confront my anxiety and most importantly go back to the place I’m from, my original home. I revisited my past experiences, panic attacks and mental health struggles and focused on the positives, the fact that I came out of the other end and I’m still here challenging my anxiety.
My life may be full of uncertainty, panic, dark times but at this minute I’m ready to challenge my feelings and change the way I think and feel. Because, know one else can control my anxiety but me and I’m ready…